My Sister's Keeper 2007

Many of us tend to ask this question. Why do men love sex so much? Why can't they just do with or without it like we can? What's the big deal? Why don't you ask your husband and see what he says. When you ask him really listen to his answer.

Through my research (articles, etc,), I have discovered that sex to men is almost like us getting a much needed break. They would love to have it everyday just like we would love to have a long peaceful break everyday. It is as important to them as a nice hot shower or bath without interruption is for us. We long for and crave that personal time. They long for and crave the intimacy with us. If we had the chance we would drop everything we were doing and spend time doing something we really love to do. If men had the chance, they would drop everything they were doing just to have sex. It is very important for a man to fulfill his desires with his wife. They cannot go without it for long periods of time like we can. They may be patient for a moment but that does not mean that they are not thinking about it constantly. It is a very important part of a marriage for most men. Without sex, you can almost guarantee that your marriage will be in serious trouble. Because of this, we must really try hard to come to terms with our lack of desire and/or attraction to our husbands. There are many causes for these feelings in a woman but we must learn to get to the root of the problem before we can expect to fix it. We have to open up communication with our husbands also. Women are talkers. We love to talk EVERYTHING out. However, our husbands are not. We need to learn when the best times are to talk to our husbands about different issues. Many times, lack of desire can begin to change direction with a simple, open conversation with your husband. We really love to be listened to when we are putting our hearts on the table. If we can structure our conversations in a way that the men in our lives don't feel that we are complaining, or nagging, or degrading them, then maybe they will be more willing to have more heart-to-heart talks with us. The result, more desire for intimacy. Men love to feel important to us just like we love to feel important to them. If our sex drive decreases, they begin to believe it has something to do with them. They may even ask for it more because they want to know that they are still desirable. They know you are tired or sick or whatever, but they still don't fully understand how that can constantly affect your sex drive. How can you want it one day but not the next, or the next. We don't understand why they can't just simply give us the affection and attention and the breaks that we need to function everyday, and they can't understand why we can't put all of that out of our minds and jump into bed with them. Plain and simple, men and women are different. They will never fully understand us and we will never fully understand them. What we can do now is try to work together, understand each other a little better, and build a better relationship - a relationship where both of us are willing to try something different to achieve the results we want. Keep working at it. Happiness is right around the corner.

AND WHAT DO ALLAH AND HIS MESSENGER SAY?

"It is made lawful for you to have sexual relations with your wives on the night of As-Saum (the fasts). They are Lîbas [i.e. body cover, or screen, or Sakan, (i.e. you enjoy the pleasure of living with her) for you and you are the same for them." Quran 2:187

"Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your wives in any manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus), when or how you will, and send (good deeds, or ask Allâh to bestow upon you pious offspring) before you for your ownselves. And fear Allâh, and know that you are to meet Him (in the Hereafter), and give good tidings to the believers (O Muhammad)." Quran 2:223

"Jabir reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) saw a woman, and so he came to his wife, Zainab, as she was tanning a leather and had sexual intercourse with her. He then went to his Companions and told them: The woman advances and retires in the shape of a devil, so when one of you sees a woman, he should come to his wife, for that will repel what he feels in his heart." Muslim

"Jabir heard Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) say: When a woman fascinates any one of you and she captivates his heart, he should go to his wife and have an intercourse with her, for it would repel what he feels." Muslim

"Abdullah (b. Mas'ud) (Allah be pleased with him) reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said to us: 0 young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains eyes (from casting evil glances) and preserves one from immorality; but he who cannot afford It should observe fast for it is a means of controlling the sexual desire." Muslim

Written by Gail Fripp ( Tahira Ali)